To the frozen North East. . .

I am taking my requisite winter holiday to visit my family on the East coast. My parents decided it would be fun to spend this year in New York City, since it is just a short train ride from my sisters place in Philly. So I will take the plane to Philly then the train to NYC, the train back to Philly then a plane back to Seattle. . . All in 5 days time. . . So much better than spending those days on the beach. . . Sigh. . .

All of my cold weather gear is borrowed. . . A coat from Anne. . . Boots from Nicole. . . Clothes from Samantha. . . I am so blessed with generous friends. I have been having trouble getting into the holiday spirit, but it is hard not to feel warm and fuzzy with so many wonderful people surrounding me. . .

But I dread the disappointment on my mothers face when she sees how big I am. I am larger than I have been in 3 years, and not without trying to slim down. . . It was just not meant to be this year. . . I remember about 7 years ago, when I was at my heaviest and my parents came out here for the Holidays. . . We took lots of pictures. Then the Christmas of 2005, just after graduating from massage school, when I was at my thinnest, again the family photos. Some time in January my mother sent me a card containing one of each pictures, it included a small note that simply said, "I wanted you to see just how far you have come."

I hope somehow I feel better when I am back. I hope I can find a way to shake these winter blues.

I'll keep telling myself that it is going to be fun.

My Love horoscope for this week was to the effect of let go of the past and get back on the horse and ride. . . So I am game.

I got on OkCupid, where I have a profile, in the efforts to send some messages and make some connections and I am IMed by two men. I chat. . . I flirt. . . I am my clever self. I agree to a diner date this evening with bachelor number 2, leave number 1 hanging because he is only interested in watching a movie at his place, and I want to meet in public the first time. Trying to be a responsible internet dater.

We decide on a place. . . and a time. . . His name is Mike. . . I give him my number, but I neglect to get his.

So I get a little excited. . . I pick out the outfit. . . I SHAVE MY LEGS. . . And I show up fashionably at 7:05 so I can make an entrance. . .

But he is not there to see. . . I look good. . .Nice outfit. . . Fancy undies. . . Makeup and all. . .

Twenty minutes later I take a seat at the bar and order a Pomegranate Ginger Martini. . .

Then My dinner, Because DAMNit I came for a good Italian meal. . .

Had handmade pork-fennel sausages with grilled veggies and fingerling potatoes. . . And a lovely glass of white wine. . . Had a lively conversation with the K's. . . Karen and Kathleen, two single ladies whom have been friends for years. . . We talk of heritage and weather and loves lost. . .I see a picture of myself in my 60's and alone. . . Maybe perspective clients. . .Exchanged stories with the bartender, Spencer. . . So a good evening anyways. . .

But this is why I don't date. . . I did not really have $45 to drop on dinner. . . But I did it anyways. . . I could have left, but I looked good and I was already out. . . And I was hungry.

This would have been my first date in about 2 years. . . FAIL for the date, but a good time none the less. . .

This story was relayed to me through a friend from South Carolina. It is a story told to her by her grandfather:

There was this loyal herding dog, that was trying to return to his master. He could hear his master calling for him but could not place excatly where his voice was traveling from. The direction he was heading put him across some train tracks. He could hear a train approaching, but needed to get to his master quick. He crossed the tracks and paused, just over the tracks, to reconfigure where he was heading. While the dog paused a small part of his tail was clipped off by the passing train. Startled, he turned to see what had happened and the train took off his head and he died.

The Moral of this story: Don't loose your head over a little piece of tail.

Often when I get depressed I find myself locked in the urge to run away. . . Move on. . . Set up shop somewhere else. But I know that this is an illogical reaction, because more than likely whatever was bothering me is just going to follow, seeing as it is mostly a chemical imbalance in my brain. . . I just can't leave that behind somewhere, no matter how much it seems I do sometimes.

So this time I decided to take the urge literally. I started back at the gym since the nice weather is definitely done for the year, and since I find the elliptical mostly boring and the stationary bike worse, I stepped up to the treadmill with a plan. . . I started with 1.5 minutes of jogging every 3 minutes of walking for 20 minutes. I have been varying my speeds and inclines, but sticking with this timing for now. My heart rate goes up to 160 BPM while jogging, but quickly recovers to around 130. I am hoping to increase it to 30 minutes next week.

I've also been working with my trainer 2 times a week again. My personal training membership is up at the end of the year, but I am not renewing it. I need that $170 a month for other things. So I have enough appointments to get me set up through Mid February. Hopefully by then I will love it enough to self motivate. I will not be canceling my membership to the gym. Maybe at that point I will start investigation the classes they offer.

The Lynnwood Skate and bowl smells just like the Chesapeake Roller Rink did. . . A mix of musty carpet and the wax they use on the rink. . . They also rent the same brown heeled skated with orange wheels that look like they are 30 years old. . . They probably are. . . I wonder if there is an outlet or something that sources those all over the country. . .

I went tonight to see if I was going to enjoy it enough to invest in my own skates. . . A resounding YES!!!

Want to know where to find me when I am not at work. . . If there is an adult skate in Lynnwood or Bellevue that's where I'll be. . .

I just threw this together around the donation form my friend Sage of some fresh Idaho Potatoes:


2 Idaho Potatoes
2 Trader Joe's Buffalo Burger patties
1/2 onion
1 clove garlic
1/2 cup sliced mushrooms
1 can of Chopped Tomato
Italian Seasoning
Salt and Pepper

Bake Potatoes. . .  Duh

Around last 10 minutes of cook time start this:

Saute Onion and Garlic until onion is translucent.  Add Mushrooms until brown then add crumbled buffalo.  Cook until all is evenly browned then add tomatoes and simmer. (I added some arrowroot to thicken so there would be a nice sauce)

When the spuds are done smother and enjoy!

YUM!

My manager sure knows how to throw a party. . . Everything BACON!

The failed at finding Bacon Vodka, but otherwise, WATCHOUT!

Wrapped in greasy pig:
-Pineapple
-Dates
-Cheese Filled Apricots
-Beef
-Chicken
-And my masterpiece:Herbed Goat Cheese Stuffed Mushrooms

And then some bacon dipped in chocolate...

My gut is going to hate me in the morning, but it was so worth it.

I had a chance to network with a few Bastyr students.  Discovered a few people also interested in working with eating disorder patients and also a class offered at Bastyr but not through Bastyr called Health as Business, Business as Health.  It is a year long class that happens over 4 weekend seminars.  Right up my alley. . . 

Gotta sleep now.  3 massages tomorrow.

I've decided that if I ever have a metal band I am going to call it "Toxic Ant Carcass"

So we had a swarm at the house. . .

I left for work Wednesday to a very clean and tidy house.  We had worked really hard to make everything perfect for the appraisal.  The owners of the house told me they might lower my rent if the house appraised high enough, so I did my best to clean and make everything perfect.. . . When I came home late Wednesday I was showing my manager the house and noticed a few winged insects in my bathroom. . . I just figured it was something to let the homeowners know. . .

Come to find out that she had noticed MANY more insects in the living room and in her bedroom.  Her boyfriend thought she should have called me before calling the exterminator, to see if I wanted to use less toxic means. . . Here is the problem with less toxic. . . it is slower and less effective in some cases. . . Case and point, INSECT swarms!  So I was not mad when she told me she had already called. . . She also offered to get me a hotel if I wanted (The bugs were left active in bright lights, so every light was on in the house)  I declined and slept with the light on. . .

So I come home Thursday night to bug-pocolypse. . . There were carcasses EVERYWHERE. . . So I got a vacuum and cleared upstairs. . . Once I had done that I wanted to make dinner. . . So I cleaned the kitchen and dinning area. . . I was not really doing it for anyone but me. . . It was pretty gross. . . I left the major ick in the living room to the other ladies. . .

Turns out that they were moisture ants. . . it is still a mystery where the swarm began and why Wednesday. . .

The housemate was so grateful she took me out to sushi tonight. . . Bonus!  Apparently it is no fluke. . . I am a pretty good housemate. . .

Things are normalizing for me a bit. . . I redid the budget, and it looks like I am going to be fine budget wise.  Funny how a 63 cent raise can help spread out over 320 hours. . .

Most annoying thing about my new house: The collective murder of crows in King County roost just north of where I work in Kenmore. We watch them fly home by the droves each evening around 7.  Apparently they choose the cemetary in my back yard as a rest stop along the way. . . there are several vociferous young ones that caw CONSTANTLY between 5:30 and 6:30. . . Right around when I get home. . .

Otherwise I am pleased.  My roomies and I went floating down the Stillaquamish river. . . 5 hours to go 5 miles. . . We went during the week of blistering inferno. . . But thanks to one of my handy supplements NO BURN!

I never intended to make my current job a career, but the longer I stay, the more I am noticed and the more likely it is that I will stay for a few years.  I am not sure what this means for my practice as a massage therapist.   I have been invited by the company I work for to be a part of a Supervisory Skills training course that they have put together with the Washington State Employment Board.  It is a huge honor and very expensive for the company to put me through.  I guess they have faith that I will make a good manager some point.  I am thanked again and again for my thoughtful and professional solutions to some of the growing pains we are having.

I have discovered the wonders of garlic straight from the ground.  Apparently it is something that happens in the drying process that makes it hard for me to digest.  I put not one clove, but the whole bulb in my pasta last night and I had no ill revenge. . . how exciting for my food!!!

James Taylor You've Got a Friend

When you're down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
And you know where ever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
To see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.

If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter, spring, summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend.

I went shopping with my manager today for plants and such to spruce up the store for the 15th Anniversary tomorrow.  While out we also talked about me, as in my yearly review. . . It is hard to believe that I have been there for a year. . . I am enjoying it, but I have never really pondered retail management as a career. . . But Maybe I should. . .

Luke told me that the REGIONAL manager said of all 21 Assistants right now I was the most promising in his mind to step up into my own store.  There was not much outside of glowing remarks on my leadership and ability to work with a professional attitude.  I got a $.63 raise out of it (4.5% is pretty big in retail)

So here is the thing.  Managers for this company pull in about $43,000 yearly, not including bonuses and bene's. . . It is a salaried position with an expectation of 50 hours weekly.  If I were to get promoted, and stick with it for just 3 years, I could pay off my student loans and save for house, master's degree, whatever. . .

it is something to ponder since I am enjoying the work and I stand behind the company's values. . . .

What is it about black guys and big bottomed girls?

I was just walking from the bus stop to my house.  As I rounded the corner on my street I had a guy call to me from his car. .  .Ask if I lived in the area. . . Was I single?  Do I have any kids?   Told him politely that it was not really any of his business. . .

I was guarded. . .Took his number, with no real intention to call. . . His kissed my hand and said I smelled nice. . .

The flattery was appreciated, but I am not looking to be picked up solely on the fact that I am hot. . .

I was reading this astrology and relationships book my friend has.  It breaks down each sign into sections of the month, myself falling on the Taurus Gemini cusp, you smack in the middle of Sagittarius. . .

it is astoundingly accurate. . .not just of you and me, but of me and my ex's, and my relationships with my family. 

The above title is our story. . . My impression of what it said?  Outside of the description of all of the bickering and misunderstanding? Our potential is massive in areas of business and work, but when emotions are involved it can be explosive. . . We can ride the waves of our passion to success if it is properly focused. . . and that focus should not be a romantic relationship. . .

We want different things romantically. . . It is easy for me to forget because you are a good man, kind and generous, funny and affectionate, devoted to your friends and family. . . Because we are comfortable. . . But you will never be my husband. . . and you will never be my lover, because of that. . .

But what we do share is a desire for success and satisfaction in our career. . . How do we really make that work?

Have I mentioned that I am a millionaire?  At this point in the journey it is about multiple cash streams to build capital.  They might not all be dream jobs, but if I can save anything towards owning my own business it is worth it. . .


I wish resetting my thought patterns did not involve distance. . . But it does. . . I feel guilty, like I have abandoned you in a time of need. . . But we do what we have to do for our own happiness, right? Is that selfish?

And this to shall pass. . .

I invited some friends over to my new place for the 4th and decided to try my hand a BBQ.  Everything went great and we had an abundance of delicious food.

Now I am making my first batch of granola.  Really very easy, this is going to be Blueberry Ginger Pecan Granola.  Yum.

While I was loading my car full of plants to move, I was visited by a beautiful moth, Large and colored some of my favorite hues: Blues, Pinks and Browns. It hung around in the shade of the stoop all day. Made me wonder about the signifigance:

( Animal symbolism of the moth deals with: )

I love veggies, but I had forgotten the amount of prep for some.

I really need a salad spinner for all these greens I'm eating

Just made this Yummy Veggie in my wok:

Curly Kale with Turkey:

1 tsp Oil (I like Avacado cause it cooks so good really HOT)
1 Bunch Purple Curly Kale
4 slices thick cut deli Turkey
1 TBS H20 to steam
Pepper to taste (I used a great Lavander pepper I got in Sequim, WA. Gross to some, but really subtle floral taste goes really good with Kale)

Yum,
And tonight CRABPOT!

I've just been thinking. It is easy for the record of my mind to get stuck on repeat, and there are some golden oldies of thoughts that like to pop up from time to time, but recently there have been some wonderful mental nudges that get my needle back in the groove of right thinking. . .

Even still, though I have made my peace with things as they are with you and me, my mind likes to wax poetic. . . "I actually could be okay with being involved more intimately and sharing you"

Then you push me away, because even playful affection (NOT marking my territory) is not acceptable in front of your other female friends. . . What's the harm in a small hug to apologize when I feel the picking on you has gotten a bit out of hand on my end? it's not like I am humping your leg or hanging all over you. . . Never mind. . . I'll do my best to never let it happen again. . .

Letting myself feeling how short your hair is in the car, because like it or not, I am going to miss you while I am gone, even for a few days. . . And have your lovely and precious child ask why I am petting you like a puppy. . . Sure, I don't know any better. . . Yes, I know she is jealous, and heaven forbid your friends care about you after 3 years. . . Never mind. . . I'll also do my best to hold back my affection whenever she is around. . .

So I remember why this won't work. . . and why we are just friends. . . you are not available. . . And I deserve more. . . I should not have to second guess my every action. . . After all this time I should not have to be on my guard when other people are around. . . Showing you affection is more complicated than it should be. . .

I spent 3 hours today celebrating my mother's retirement with my family and all of her coworkers.

A little about my mom. . . She worked for 20 years as a Medical Technologist and lab manager. In her 40's she put herself through graduate school, one class at a time, while working full time. It took her about 8 years but she did it. . . Then in her 50's she made a complete switch in careers to work in horticulture extension. It was a dream job for her, lots of hours and people she enjoyed being around, all while educating the public about plants and pests and organic gardening solutions.

Today after 8 years she retired. During the "mingle" part of the day I was subjected to all of her volunteers telling me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful mother and how much she has enriched their lives in these past years. There were lots of tears and lots of heartfelt thanks and memories. She got gifts that equaled over $1000 at least. She is very loved and is going to be very missed, although I am sure she will visit lots (It's a garden)

It is encouraging that she was able to make this switch later in her life. . . Show that it is never to late to follow your bliss. . .

All during the ceremony I was pondering,"Will I ever make this impact? Will I ever stay at a job long enough to deserve this kind of send off?"

I have been feeling a bit stagnate as of late. . . Not really doing much with my time except working and going to the gym. . . I am happier not really striving for anything, but if I don't strive will I every really get anywhere? Is retail management REALLY my future?

Am I really LIVING my life? Or am I just floating along?

No husband. . . No children. . . No lover. . . A few great friends. . . If I was the last in my family to die, who would lay me to rest?

Morbid I know. . . I'm just feeling down and a little like a failure. . . Nothing really new. . . It happens when I spend time with my family. . .

I've been getting a bi-weekly tub of love from New Roots Organics, but sometimes I don't get to the greens before they are all wilty. . . So instead of wasting I have discovered QUICHE!

I founf a quick and easy crust that is just flour, ice water, olive oil and salt

Pressed that on the bottom of a 9.5 inch glass pie pan and add the mix:

4 stalks Swiss Chard
1/2 head cauliflower
3 sweet little peppers
5 eggs
1 3/4 cups nonfat milk
2 slices swiss cheese
1 cup mozzerella
1/2 cup gorgonzola
salt and pepper

Bakes it for an hour and then enjoyed a tastey brunch. THere is enough left for several days of breakfasts of lunches.

Now I know what I will do with any of my veggies if they start to go off.

So instead of driving another hour this morning, I discovered a trail that I did not explore on my last trip RIGHT here in Seaside. Last trip I spent most of my time on the Beach here and Cannon beach to the south, also did birthday shopping.

Since this is not a birthday trip, thus no shopping (or so I thought) I headed down the street to the Tillimook Head Trail, a segment of the great PCT (Pacific Crest Trail)

It was a 4 mile hike in to some cozy hikers cabins (i.e. wood shelters, w/o doors and bunk beds w/o mattresses) The trail took me down a path Lewis and Clark walked upon to find the Pacific (Seaside is where they first laid eyes on her) I wonder how the Landscape has changed since they bushwacked their way through. I am sure some of those mighty trees are the same.

I took a few pictures, but photography can not capture the majesty of those ancient Sitka spruce and coastal cedar. I think a large part of the beauty is the atmosphere created by the damp breeze, the smell of the decomposing plant matter and the thunderous sound of the mighty pacific hammering the headlands.

It was a good hike, although the last 2 miles was TORTUROUS! It was a 9 mile hike and starting around mile 7 I kept commenting to myself "That's it. . . It is all downhill from here. . . FUCK. . . Ugh, alright NOW it is all down hill. . . "

Unfortunately, at that point even the downhill parts were painful. . . But I did it. . .

And then I had to go shop at the outlets (come on. . . outlets+bad economy+Oregon's no sales tax= Savings!!!) The purpose of my trip was stretchy pants (I came w/o PJ's) so I could stretch my hips. Without a little yoga I doubt I will be able to walk tomorrow.

So here I am, showered and ready to stretch it out. . . Tomorrow it is back to Seattle. . . I am going to try to map a different route home.